Baseball is God's favorite sport
From D.W.: It’s playoff season again, folks! Game one of the NLCS is tonight and some of you ding-dongs will be watching football, instead. It’s fine. Really, it’s fine.
One of my favorite baseball memories with Rachel was on November 5th, 2022. The band I played with at the time had a gig that night at a cool venue in a former schoolhouse in rural Ohio. It also happened to be game 6 of the World Series. The game that my team, the Houston Astros, won to clinch the title.
Not being able to watch the game was tough, but Rachel kept up with the score on her phone, and I had an absolute blast watching her silently react in the back of the house through our entire set. I never once had to wonder what was happening. Her face told it all. I was standing on a stage but had the best seat in the house.
There are lots of good baseball memories with her. I’m glad I get to share some of them. Plus, it gives me a chance to revisit some of Rachel’s… um… quirkier takes on the national pastime.
Behold!
Long Valley Lane. March 9th. 2005
the rules of the universe
ok, i've tried to explain this to two of my male friends, and they just can't seem to get their heads around this concept. let me just preface this explanation by saying that these rules are very important. in fact, they may be the only thing that keeps the space/time continuum intact. they are not to be questioned, just to be accepted and obeyed.
there are two kinds of sports teams: real teams and expansion teams. real teams come into being when either a major league of something (football, baseball, basketball, soccer, etc.) is formed, or when a collegiate conference is formed (like the ACC, etc.) all teams that are considered charter members of those entities are deemed real. you can cheer for them, buy their merchandise, go to their games, even proclaim yourself a fanatic. they are the only ones who can legitimately win a title. for instance, big snaps to the diamondbacks for winning that world series title two years ago, but it wasn't real. they are an expansion team. that's the rule.
additionally, a team that began as a founding member can lose its status as a founding member if it leaves the conference for another, or departs for another city. for example-- the brooklyn dodgers were a real team, but the los angeles dodgers are not. likewise, the houston oilers were a real team, but the houston texans are not.
you can also gain or lose status by your rate of suckage. for instance, the dallas cowboys are in danger of becoming a fake team because they suck so badly. conversely, because they have sucked since almost time out of mind, the redskins will always be real. cleveland, although it sucks as well, is not a real team because it left and came back. that's worse than just leaving. plus, they lose points for having a color as their mascot and for having ugly uniforms. like i said, these are the rules. our job is to just accept them.
a team may also gain real status by procuring a dynasty-- like if san antonio were to win the nba title again this year, they would become real. kind of like the velveteen rabbit. for instance: chicago became a real team because they won four straight titles in a row in basketball. you have to be really really loved and really really awesome to become real. it also helps if there is scarlet fever or cholera involved.
let me further illustrate the point:
the dodgers aren't a real team-- they are an expansion team. you can still like them. it's lame, but you can still like them. however, if they were to play in a world series against the yankees or the sox (Red, not White, because the White Sox lost their realness when they let Shoeless Joe take the fall), you'd be obligated to cheer for the real team (i.e. the Yanks, even though that would be like drinking turpentine and peeing on a brushfire, as far as i'm concerned). why aren't they real anymore? because no one leaves new york, ever. and certainly no one ever leaves Ebbetts Field, a cathedral of baseball, for the lameness of Los Angeles. It's worse than saying bad things about one's mother. You know what they did to Ebbetts Field? They tore it down. There's probably a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts there, now. Shameful.
it sucks, but it's the law.
--rachel
Long Valley Lane. March 10th. 2005
and another thing...
ok, so since i can't really rant about what i truly want to rant about, i'll gripe and whine about something totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things. i still think this little item is adding to the downfall of western civilization as we know it, but i'll let you, my adoring public, make your own decision... after i've told you what i think, of course.
baseball is God's favorite sport, and since i love God, it's my favorite sport (next to shopping), too. although, i'm pretty sure if those boys don't quit juicing, the Big Umpire in the Sky might send down some of what we like to call wrath... as a result, i have several opinions about the game. the thing about expansion teams is just a glimpse into it...
the designated hitter rule is one of the things i despise in life. i don't mean that i'm just generally irritated by it, like how i'm generally irritated by the fact that every time i go out, i invariably walk by at least one person covering up their oniony b.o. by having steeped themselves in patchouli oil like some kind of hippie teabag. don't get me wrong--i like patchouli, but seriously people, do you have to make my eyes water on two counts? just take a bath. no, no, i find the dh rule personally offensive, the way i find it personally offensive when someone uses the word "your" when "you're" is the correct word. it bothers me on a very deep and fundamental level that almost defies words-- in fact, it bothers me in a way that damn near transcends all rational emotion. yeah, that's bad.
one of my male friends, who disagrees with me over the rules of the universe and how they govern the realness of sports teams (there's no accounting for taste...), has this to say about the DH rule: " Designated hitters suck. The rule allows overweight, defensive-deficient losers to make millions of dollars." i agree with him. the whole principle of the designated hitter is anathema to any true baseball fan. i'm real sorry if you disagree, but you're just plain wrong.
there is nothing ok about having one person on the team do nothing but hit (even though i realize that other important activities take up a lot of time in a game, spitting and scratching DO NOT count as multitasking in this situation). everyone else has to do something besides hit but the DH, and don't even get me started on pitchers. what a bunch of high-priced crybabies. and in a World Series, the DH doesn't even play in (some cases) half of it. they should get like a world series drop pendant, instead of a ring, or they should have to have a time share with the weenie-poo pitchers.
yeah, that's right, i said it. and tomorrow, i may just write something about why i think it's stupid to have salary caps for teachers at like 50k, or 40k, or even 35k in some school districts, but we as a society have no problem at all setting a salary cap of millions of dollars for a bunch of people who run around in tight pants and play games where you hit and chase things.
good night, my lovelies. i'm off to another meeting...
mil besos-rachel
